Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Meet Our Writers

BluCowboy

One Score and nine years ago, BluCowboy’s dad filled BluCowboy’s mom’s vagina with a load of semen like no other.  A long and arduous battle ensued to be the king sperm, but alas BluCowboy prevailed.  That was pretty much the last great thing he did however.  In the years since he has been a constant source of disappointment for his parents and his wife, much like the pregnancy test that announced his arrival.  A few things you should know:

– He has terrible grammar.

– He is a God-awful storyteller.

– His friendship with TheWayIsHere began after the two repeatedly punched each other in the face.

– TheWayIsHere punches like a girl.

– He has never let any of his friends down because they all know to expect nothing from him.

CaffeineFiend

I grew up in the sticks of Northern Cali … rice fields as far as you can see. Everyone drives a truck and has a shotgun stashed somewhere in the cab.

I had to sell my truck when gas went through the roof and now rock a bucket of bolts Focus with a sketchy transmission.

I used to do construction work for my dad in the family business, during high school and most of college. Farmer’s tans ROCK.

Went to Chico State.

Graduated. Hallelujah.

These days, I take a lot of pictures, write a lot about shootings, stabbings and fiery crashes (I’m a cops reporter, in case you were wondering … can’t wait to see what the therapy bill is going to be in about 10 years) and generally fly by the seat of my pants.

I’m a twenty-something, which means all of my thirty-something friends spend a lot of time sitting back and watching me epicly fail as I wade my way through the confusion of life. I swear, all I need is flashing neon signs and an idiot-proof roadmap/chick’s guide to life and I’ll be golden. There are hundreds of sympathetic head nods and enough “Oh yeah, I remember those days; definitely wouldn’t go back there again”s to sink the Titanic — in 3-D.

I’m a recovering sports junkie, ruined by the King’s glory days of the early 2000s. Robert Horry’s three at the buzzer still makes me tear up from time to time … Then I slam a beer and it’s all good.

I’m also a directionally challenged clean freak whino guitarist wannabe top chef (however, my fridge is generally too empty to really make that happen) who is prone to dating disasters with vegan nerds. I like tattoos, red meat and really don’t care that much about the steps leading up to the dot-com crash. See? It never would have worked. Damn … why did I agree to that date in the first place?

JusTownie290

These are attributes about me which are important before reading my essays: I’m shameless, shameful, and too narcissistic at times, and other times not narcissistic enough. I wear sweatpants on a daily basis. I don’t usually care about how I look. My singing voice is terrible, even in the shower. I’ve been playing guitar for twelve years, but don’t know any songs. So don’t ask. I hate the ocean, but will from time to time leave my window open and imagine the cars going by as waves crashing. I have a hard time relaxing on days off, but complain all the time how I never get days off. I acknowledge the idea of the world being flat, but also acknowledge Columbus’s shortcoming when it comes to claiming America as China; why should I believe anything else he did?

I’m French-Canadian, English, Scottish, and part Ukrainian, but I only acknowledge Ukrainian because of their size in the game RISK. I used to play Magic: The Gathering until I was a senior in high school. I thought the soundtrack to Spawn was one of the best albums I owned at one point. I enjoy many forms of music unless they’re on the radio. And if I’m unfamiliar with an underground band you know, that’s because they suck too much for me to know them. I’ve studied comedy and as far as I can tell most people are not that funny, which brings me to my next point: If I say I’m laughing on the inside, it’s probably because I’m not laughing on the inside. If I wanted to laugh, I’d just do it. If I use bad grammar when I speak, it’s probably because I thought you were cool enough not to correct me. I like being wrong and seeing how the other person reacts.

Oh, and I’ve gained over sixty pounds since college and you don’t see me complaining. Buy stretchy clothes.

SacDaddy82

Rich. Powerful. World-class athlete. Tall, dark and handsome like Idris Elba.

I am none of these things.

What I am is an everyday newspaper copy editor/page designer with two wonderful daughters — which means I will soon own a shotgun (since AK-47s are illegal in California). I enjoy watching sports, drinking alcohol (only on days that end with Y), participating in fantasy sports and playing video games in my spare time, which is hardly any.

Whether you like or hate my writing, I don’t really care as long as you’re still reading it. Game on, bitches!

TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain – I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

YetiVedder

Straight outta Cumberland, R.I., is a crazy mother f’er named Yeti. He will steal your food, drink, and girl all while you are not looking. He might actually do it while you are looking but will be very polite while taking all three. He will also do it in that order, mainly because he is always hungry, thirsty and horny!  The Yeti will throw the greatest party that you won’t remember, because he needs to remain a figment of your imagination. He wants the ladies to think that they may or may not have made love to a giant man last night while feeding him a steak and cheese sandwich! The Yeti is all about getting people to make bad decisions, yet these bad decisions just feel so right. The Yeti is a diehard sports fan and is never afraid to show his team colors. He also isn’t afraid to talk about himself in the third person like the greatest of all time, Ricky Henderson!

Yeti likes: Easy women, cheap beer, expensive beer being given out for free, Red Sox baseball (KFC and all), Lakers basketball, Metta World Peace, Bruins, Mashmond, Patriots, and bringing Randy Moss back! Easy women, URI basketball, old school WWF wrestling…  Yeah I said F!, J’s Deli samiches. Sponsor the Yeti page with some free sandwiches!!! More beer, and easy women! Tupac, Biggie, Snoop, Dre, Jay-Z.

Yeti dislikes: Wine drinkers who think they are better than me, Yeti hunters on TV that have no idea where Yetis hang out! Hard women… take that however you’d like, new school WWE, any rapper with Lil or a direction in their name, models who refuse to date me when all I want to do is feed them and, finally, relish of any kind…  it is a Yeti kyrptonite.

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