Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012
College football kicks off tonight, and I’m pretty excited…I’m talking, Christmas morning sprinkled with the promise of a good blow job excited! This has the making of being a very fun and very interesting season. Despite the fact that it has, easily, the worst fucking playoff system in the history of sports, college football knows what it’s doing in every other aspect of the game. There are so many great story lines this year, I’ve been walking around with a chub all morning…
Are you kidding me with this team? Two years ago these dicks have the rug pulled out from under their feet and they are the preseason #1? They lose Pete Carroll, a God among NCAA coaches, only to replace him with Lane Kiffin, a dick among any coaches, and they are the preseason #1? Reggie Bush finishes school, but forgets to pull out, leaving behind a 2 year postseason ban and a loss of 30 scholarships, and they are the preseason #1? Kudos Trojans. You have to respect this shit! How about this Matt Barkley kid, too? Kid was a fucking blue-chip recruit out of high school in every sense of the word, chooses USC not realizing how fucking gay that school is, gets fucked by the Bush-whacker, and then shows ultimate loyalty by cashing a check written by others. For his first three years of college, Barkley pretty much flew under the radar. Dude had no chance! No bowl games = No awards. He’s back though, and so is this Trojan team. Even a Longhorn fan would have a hard time not rooting for these B-Holes.
Mike Leach is back in the saddle, this time at Wazzu. The fucking General of one of the greatest high flying offenses anyone has ever seen, looks to make Texas Tech fans cry more than they already are. Mike Leach’s firing fell upon relatively deaf ears, probably, just maybe, because that bitch WR Adam James who whined so fucking much is the son of former (current at the time) ESPN college football analyst Craig James. I’d probably be a little pissed too though if I was a Red Raider wide receiver not named Michael Crabtree. Either way, Tech’s loss, is Washington State’s gain, because there is no way this dude doesn’t come back with a fucking vengeance. It may take a year or two but the road starts tonight!
I’ll be the first to admit that I never thought Boise State deserved a shot at a national title, and I still don’t, but it certainly wasn’t their fault. As mentioned before, the NCAA does playoffs, like Sandusky…well, never mind. This season Chris Petersen has to replace possibly the best collegiate QB of our generation in Kellen Moore, who by the way, has an absolute SMOKE OF A WAG, with some nerd named Joe Southwick. This dude has the weight of a thousand potato sacks on his fucking shoulders. You don’t just walk out onto that God-forsaken blue turf and get 50k fans to forget that the Broncos only lost 3 games with Moore under center. I can’t wait to see him try though. I don’t see this team winning 11 or 12 games this year, but they shouldn’t have too much trouble taking the MWC crown, especially with TCU in greener pastures.
I hate to even fucking talk about this, but I guess it needs to be said. The greatest storyline this year, is easily Sandusky’s Lions taking the field after the worst off-season since SMU got the death penalty. (Quick Side Note: Look at that fucking diddler, I could have seen this shit coming a mile away. Dude just has that, “Let me put your balls in my mouth” look in his eyes.) I’m really hoping this team does fucking terrible, and I mean terrible. I want fucking tears on the sidelines and tears in the stands. I don’t necessarily think the fans deserve it, although the Paterno sympathizers certainly do, I just like to watch people cry, and hey, it’s not my team. If I’m a Penn State fan though, there is a certain level of satisfaction to go into the season without having to see JoePa cruising the goddamn field in a golf cart like he’s taking over the lead role in Weekend at Bernie’s.
*Marcus Lattimore returns to the field after a season ending injury last October with his sights set on a Heisman.
*Denard Robinson. Dude’s a fucking blast to watch. While I’m at it, how about Alabama vs. Michigan on Sept. 1 at Jerry’s World.
*Watching Oklahoma inevitably choke again. This never gets old.
*Oh, did I forget to mention that the buckeyes are banned from postseason play? Because that’s pretty awesome too.