Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012
Well the 2012 NBA draft has come and gone and there were a few highlights worth mentioning. For starters, David Stern is just as much of a dick as we all thought he was. He had this shit-eating grin on his face all night until finally being boo’d off the stage following completion of the first round. The best moment of the night however, came when the Heat were on the clock and Rece Davis said what all were thinking…
With new players in the NBA come new girlfriends, which means it is that time again. Join me as I cover the 2012 NBA WAG draft!
1. Illinois C Meyers Leonard’s GF Elle Biefeldt
This was an easy pick for the Hornets who made out like bandits when the lottery balls fell. As with the 2012 NFL WAG Draft there is a clear #1 in this year’s class. Elle (obviously the chick in the center) has been at the top of every expert’s boards in the weeks and months leading up to the draft. In the combine she demonstrated her skills at cooking, cleaning, pleasing her man and looking sexy as shit. When draft night came it was not a matter of where she would go, but how much money Leonard would allot her to spend on a weekly basis to keep her looks in check. Elle is an absolute gem whose only flaw, her giant forehead, she manages to keep in check with well styled hair.
2. Duke G Austin Rivers’ GF Brittany Hotard
I mean, I guess it is what it is. You go into the lottery with the worst record in NBA history and the balls don’t fall in your favor. If you’re the Charlotte bobcats, you don’t cry about it, instead you pick the best available (as sad as that is) and you run with her. Hotard is a Duke alum who gained her freshman 15 and has struggled with it ever since. Her looks are certainly above par and would serve her well in most circles, unfortunately for Hotard, this is the NBA, not most circles.
3. North Carolina SF Harrison Barnes’ GF Trisha Nesbitt
The Wizards, who certainly could have done a lot worse, took a big chance on Nesbitt. As history tells us, female basketball players get uglier at a much higer rate than their non-basketball playing counter parts. Examples here and here. With that in mind though, it could have been a lot worse. At least she currently looks pretty good and as long as she limits her athleticism to maintaining her college weight, she may be able to stick around long enough to lock up Barnes and Washington with a gold digging child.
4. North Carolina C Tyler Zeller’s GF (Name Unknown)
So, I can’t get a beat on this bitch. The Cavs have been in the shitter with inconsistent play since “The Decision” and I think this chick is just following suit. Two-face here looks like she’s hiding an Arctic winter’s worth of nuts in her cheeks which I guess is why the large Zeller likes her so much. Either way, I think Cleveland would have been better suited trading down and picking up a solid bench player rather than wasting first round money on second round talent.
5. Florida G Bradley Beal’s GF Kytra Hunter
So this was an absolute disaster. Apparently the vast majority of NBA rooks had the foresight to come into the league empty handed so they didn’t have some college skank getting in the way of them copping some strange on the road. Brilliant move for them, unfortunate for the Maloofs who got stuck with the 5th and final pick of the draft. Kytra here is an absolute mess with zero redeeming qualities. I mean, I guess she’s educated, which could be good, but in my experience an educated woman is just more of a pain in the ass. She’s also the second woman in the draft to steal a scholarship from more deserving men due to the injustice that is Title IX, and that’s annoying. All in all, I say she doesn’t make it through training camp.
Well, that’ll do it for this year’s WAGS. Disappointing, I know, but so is everything I write, so fuck it…