Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Tips on Ghost Hunting from TheWayIsHere

(Ghostwritten by BluCowboy)

Ghost Hunting is a pastime that dates back to my birthday in 1984, because I invented ghost hunting and any attempt to dispute this fact is a flat-out lie. BluCowboy, on the other hand, is new to ghost hunting. So if you plan on taking him to find ghosts, here are a few things you should keep in mind…

1. Inform BluCowboy (BC) that the two of you are going ghost hunting on the day that he has just moved into a new apartment at 10:00 PM to ensure that any proper apparel or gear that he may own is in boxes underneath other heavier boxes.

2. Instruct BC that he is in charge of bringing a video camera but make sure you do not tell him that you require a camera with night vision as this will give you a reason to yell at him later when he shows up with a camera sans night vision.

3. Instruct BC to meet you at a Holiday Inn Express where the two of you will park and discuss your plan of attack.  Be sure to sound confident despite the fact that you have no idea where you are going and no idea what you are actually doing.  If you show BC even the slightest bit of hesitation, he will surely decide that watching re-runs of To Catch A Predator would provide loads more enjoyment than ghost hunting.

4. Meet BC at the rally point and ask him if he brought a flashlight.  If he did not bring a flashlight because it is packed up in one of the many unmarked boxes in his new kitchen, hand him a survival flashlight that requires constant winding to stay illuminated.  During periodic intervals throughout the hike, yell, “…quit winding the fucking flashlight or you will scare the goddamn ghosts away.”

5. Find out that BC’s camera does not have night vision.  Yell at BC.  Inform BC that any failure from here on out is his fault because everyone knows that you can only see ghosts under infrared lighting.

6.  Get lost, but explain to BC that the only reason you are lost is because they have been doing construction in the area since the last time you came out.

7.  Stop and conduct an EVP.  When BC asks you what an EVP is, think of three random words that start with “E”, “V” and “P”, and throw them together.  Turn on your Walkman and begin talking to the ghosts.  When the ghosts do not talk back inform BC that this is normal and that when you replay the recordings later in the night, the ghosts will surely be heard loud and clear.

8.  After trekking through the woods for over an hour with negative results, spend ten minutes explaining to BC that because he has never done this before he has ruined their trip for many different reasons.  The most important being that his camera does not have night vision, but a close second being that his deodorant is too pungent causing the ghosts to, “…smell him coming from a mile away.”

9.  Assure BC that if he blogs about this experience it will be he that comes off looking like an idiot…certainly not you.

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