Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Cardboard Combat – 6.1.12

(By TheWayIsHere)

After last week’s Cardboard Combat, I’m sure of one thing: People are still scared to hell of Lew Burdette even though he died five years ago. How else do you explain his dominant win over Jerry “Justin Bieber’s Dad” Reuss? Burdette always will be absolutely terrifying! Alright, who’s on tap this week?!

1975 Topps Vicente Romo

I’m not entirely sure what Vicente is trying to do here. Is that his pitching follow-through or is it his Frankenstein impression? Does Vicente know a secret for curing constipation? It’s all very confusing. What I do know is that this isn’t the first time Vicente’s been caught in the act. I’m also a little curious as to why Vicente has a red collared shirt on underneath his uniform. Does he have an important business meeting to attend following the photo shoot? Hey Romo… the color red kind of clashes with brown and yellow. That dude in the dugout has an awesome view of Vicente’s ass though. Great choice of seats.

Key stats: Enjoys chasing little children around while doing his Frankenstein impression; nicknamed Huevo, which of course means egg in Spanish; revolutionary fashion sense; disappeared from the major leagues in 1975 and didn’t return until 1981 (he was apparently playing in Mexico); invented the Stand-up Kegel exercise

1993 Topps Stadium Club Oscar Azocar

Nothing to see here, ladies and gentlemen. Just a Latino man making love to his baseball bat. I could take the low road and make joke after joke about how Oscar loves to cuddle up with hard wood, but that would be too easy. Instead, I’m going to take a more literal approach. What if Oscar Azocar really did love his bat? You always hear stories about those “interesting” people who fall in love with inanimate objects rather than other human beings. Perhaps Oscar fell deeply in love with his baseball bat and just wanted to show the world that he was comfortable with that. What’s that you say? Oscar posted a career batting average of just .226 over 202 games? Oh, well then I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing with that bat. Maybe he just does love to stroke hard wood.

Key stats: Took him 100 major league at-bats to draw first walk; wears a damn good mustache; was his own agent; has extremely soft, supple hands; laughs in the face of splinters; some truth to the rumor that he was a dendrophiliac

It’s Padre vs. Padre this week. Who ya got?

About TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain - I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

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