Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012
I loathe clichés. Hate em with a passion.
Funny thing is, I despised them even before starting my career as a sports journalist. You see, as a journalist, you’re taught to avoid clichés like the damn plague. They’re dull and overused. Readers don’t want to read them, and I don’t really blame them.
Don’t even get me started about how you have to use a special character each time you type cliché. That shit gets annoying real fast. And the majority of clichés are so mind-numbingly vague that they would work in almost any circumstance.
Anyway, below is a list of some of the worst non-sports cliches. I’ve also been generous enough to create some new, original one-liners that will replace the shitty old ones. God willing, some day these new phrases will be clichés too!
“It is what it is.” – Reader, I swear on our relationship that I had never heard this line muttered before about five years ago. Something happened five years ago where it became cool and hip to say this – now everybody and their mother uses it. Sheep. You’re right, asshole… an apple is an apple, and my current situation is my current situation. Thanks so much for pointing that out to me. Alternative: A cat’s anus is always dry.
“That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” – I don’t know a ton about cookies, aside from their obvious deliciousness… but what I do know is that hard cookies suck. A cookie needs to be moist, otherwise it loses all value. That said, this cliché is flawed from the get go. I don’t want a damn cookie that crumbles in the first place. So if I do have a cookie capable of crumbling, I don’t like my chances to begin with and thus shouldn’t be too upset when my situation goes to shit. It’s all about expectations, people. Don’t expect too much and you won’t be let down. Alternative: You suck at baking, so you deserved this.
“We don’t need to reinvent the wheel.” – Anybody who has worked in cubicle land knows this saying well, because every senior member of every company across the country uses it at least once a week. Here’s an idea for you old, lazy pricks – maybe if you did try something different and tried thinking outside the box for once in your miserable lives, the country wouldn’t be going down the shitter. Maybe it is time to “reinvent the wheel.” Alternative: Change is terrifying.
There are literally thousands upon thousands of bad one-liners out there that can be heard on a daily basis. I’m interested to hear some that annoy you the most. Feel free to add them in the comments section below!