Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Cardboard Combat – 5.25.12

(By TheWayIsHere)

First off, let me apologize for the unannounced one-week hiatus. I was out of town last week and didn’t have access to the interweb. Anyway, I’m back and as bad as ever! We had somewhat of a surprising result (at least in my opinion) two weeks ago as the 1979 Topp Paul Reuschel card took down the 1992 Bowman Todd Jones. What kind of shenanigans are in store for this week!?

1974 Topps Jerry Reuss vs. 1965 Topps Lew Burdette

1974 Topps Jerry Reuss

I always knew that Justin Bieber was full of shit. He always seemed just a little too good to be a true, a little too amiable. It was only after I did some in-depth research that I discovered his whole persona is a fraud – from the hair to the saccharin smile to the pleasant disposition. Bieber stole his whole shtick from golden boy Jerry Reuss! During his teen years, Reuss dreamed of being in a boyband and proving to his hard-ass father that real men could thrive in the arts. But after his third band, The Inch Worms, failed to take off, Reuss decided to pursue his acting career. Unfortunately, he was only offered parts in shampoo and conditioner commercials, so he turned his attention to baseball. It turned out to be the right decision as he pitched for 22 seasons and was pretty damn good. Hey, I think that’s my dad in the background.

Key Stats: Silky smooth hair; would not do well in prison; won more than 200 games in the majors; oblivious to the fact the “e” and “u” do not belong next to each other; inspiration for the Bieb

1965 Topps Lew Burdette

Please, Mr. Burdette. Please don’t kill me. Seriously, has there ever been a more intimidating baseball card in the history of baseball cards? Burdette looks like he just got back from the war and is about to go Rambo on everybody in sight. The creative director at Topps who spelled Lew’s name wrong on this card definitely died under mysterious circumstances after the set was released. No doubt in my mind. I still don’t fully understand why people back in the day looked so damn old. Burdette was only 37 or 38 when this picture was taken. Oh wait, now I remember. Sunscreen didn’t exist and everybody smoked 16 packs of cigarettes a day. In between yelling at whippersnappers to get off his lawn and chain smoking, Burdette was also a damn good pitcher over an 18-year career.

Key stats: Doesn’t give a damn about his hair; would do very well in prison; won more than 200 games in the majors; killed 13 men, six of them with bare hands; enjoys the taste of human meat; first name is actually Selva;  inspiration for mean old bastards everywhere

Alright, there you have it. Who ya got?!

About TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain - I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

2 comments on “Cardboard Combat – 5.25.12

  1. TheWayIsHere
    May 25, 2012

    I probably shouldn’t add this because it’s ABSOLUTELY going to sway the vote – but Burdette also cut a record in 1959.

  2. Pingback: Cardboard Combat – 6.1.12 « Fifth Period Lunch

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