Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012
Have you ever contemplated the perfect super power?
Having bullets bounce off you like … rubber bands. Boing.
Running crazy fast.
Being strong enough to toss dump trucks around like frisbees.
Walking on water.
Ohhh, how about looking amazing in spandex?
That’s a look very few can pull off … and even fewer should try.
Or just disappearing altogether. Admit it, you’ve wanted to do that at least once.
The possibilities are endless.
Personally, if I could have one super power, I would want to be able to teleport.
The sheer brilliance of it first came to me during my freshman year of college while commuting back and forth from the community college where I spent two glorious years as the much-despised overachiever.
Blasting up the highway along the river, winding in and out of country back roads … knowing where all the cops sat waiting for unsuspecting speedsters … Two hours. Every. Day.
Sadly, the commuter route is something I continued for another two years up until my final semester when I moved out and had my EPIC CHICO EXPERIENCE (which is another post for another day).
Think about it — the world at your fingertips.
Free. (A huge selling point to broke reporters)
Plane fares are a thing of the past. No more TSA pat downs — although to some that might not be such a plus, in that it’s the most action they’ve gotten since George Bush Sr. was in office.
No being late.
No flat tires, dead batteries, angsty alternators or tyrannical transmissions.
And, best of all, you could go an-y-where-ah.
Fancy a morning surf session … in Australia?
Game of darts with your peeps in Timbuktu?
DO YOU SEE WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS?
Not to mention, with all the money I’d save on gas, I could keep myself in a permanent state of hydration … with the exception of the 9ish hours a day I spend at work.
Drinking and driving would no longer be an issue. The only thing you’d ever really have to worry about is accidentally landing yourself in a cage alongside Howard the hungry lion.
While benchpressing buildings and making bullets look like pinballs would make killer party tricks, they pale in comparison to being your own Travelocity.
Am I right?