Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Everything Is The Worst – 5.10.12

(By SergeantShakes)

SEEN & HEARD   Some middle-aged guy was walking around HomeGoods talking on his cell phone at a not-okay-for-public volume. He was just pacing around like he was mad. “Well I don’t care if he wants to act like a bitch, he’s not coming to my house… No way. I don’t need to deal with this bullshit. Let him cry about it if he wants to… I’m gonna grill, so just bring a 30 and it will be fine.” Men have very direct conversations.

ENGLISH IS HARD   I tried to say, “Maybe it’s all the tension that makes him flustered.” What I did say was, ‘Maybe it’s all the tans-tans-tacks-tenzen- [deep breath] tension that makes him flustered.” Yeah so… t-t-t-today, Junior.

BLACK & BLUE   I think I pulled a muscle in my armpit shooting a bow and arrow last weekend. It isn’t a great feeling. Also, I wasn’t really aware of armpit muscles before this.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?   I went to Panera for lunch and the girl taking my order said I had a very familiar face.

Me: “A lot of people always say that to me, I’m not sure why.”

Girl: “Maybe you have a cute twin out there somewhere.”

Me: “Probably. Well as long as you don’t associate my face with someone you hate, I’ll allow it.”

Girl: “No, I like your face.”

Then I just laughed, said thank you and went to sit down. It took a good three minutes for me to realize she may have been hitting on me.


2 comments on “Everything Is The Worst – 5.10.12

  1. mommyhatesme
    May 10, 2012

    Bets part of “seen & heard”… the guy talking on the cell phone was the one acting like a bitch. Hang up the phone, maybe text, but really only really on face to face communication. You wanna talk – find me first (check the bar).

  2. SergeantShakes
    May 10, 2012

    Also he was at HomeGoods by himself.

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