Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Politics Suck. Drink Up.

(By CaffeineFiend)

I don’t know about you, but politicians inspire my gag reflex to upheaval.

I once described my hatred of politics as “hatred that burns with the fiery passion of 10,000 suns.”

It makes me want to punch kittens.

And no, I’m not being dramatic.

I really hate it that much.

… Which is problematic since, from time to time, I get assigned to cover the single topic that I find most heinous.

Today, for example, I’ve written two candidate profiles for the upcoming June election — one of which involved a 45-minute phone interview.

My ears were 30 seconds away from bleeding.

I have dreams of turning political forums and debates of any kind into a drinking game. Because of this, the next State of the Union address could even be, dare I say it, enjoyable?

I even have a list of rules.

– One sip every time the word “job(s)” is used.
– Two shots per vague suggestion to “Get the economy moving.”
– A shot for every reference to a past politician.
– A shot for every attempt to mudsling and/or throw opponents/the opposing party under the bus.
– Two shots if it was done skillfully.
– A shot every time a personal anecdote is used to explain why they are the most qualified candidate.
– A sip every time someone suggests cutting taxes.
– A sip every time someone suggests raising taxes.
– Hearing “We can’t tax our way to success” earns you a beer. Down it.

The only thing stopping me from making this dream a reality is the fact that drinking on the job is, unfortunately, still frowned upon – though we’re trying to change that here at 5PL.

And I need to pay my rent.

So I really can’t afford to get sued for describing my stance on politicians as “with smarm oozing from their every pore, I wouldn’t trust them half the distance I could drop-kick an obese hippo.”

Nothing good would come of it.

So, I’ve come up with an alternative solution: candidates will henceforth be required to duke it out — gladiator style.

Functional amusement meets thinning of the herd. Everybody wins, right? Quality entertainment and one less self-seeking liar roaming the streets.

Talk about innovative thinking for the greater good.

About Caffeine Fiend

Smitten wife. New mom. Former reporter. Coffee junkie. Shutterbug. Foodie. Guitarist. Roadtrip enthusiast. Adventure seeker.

One comment on “Politics Suck. Drink Up.

  1. Pingback: Sift Through the Brainstorm Debris – 10.16.12 « Fifth Period Lunch

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