Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

The Mind Of The Yeti – 4.25.12

(By YetiVedder)

 You are about to enter the mind of Yeti Vedder. I want to warn you now that what you are about to read will make you laugh, cry and text message people smiley faces! Here we go!

You'd love this if it was a surprise!

*  Pink slime was bound to have a bad reputation. I mean I don’t usually judge a book by its cover, but I will judge it by its name. Pink slime sounds horrible. Red slime, green slime, and rainbow slime all sound bad as well! Now if they had just called it pink surprise? No one would care! Everyone would enjoy it! What is in my burger? Pink surprise? Eat on!!!

*  I just learned the dude who played David Silver is married to Megan Fox. This leaves me a glimmer of hope that my super model awaits me. I can only imagine who Dylan McKay is married to!

How does he know for sure what it says up there?

*  Ron Artest, Metta World Peace, Old Dirty Bastard or what ever name he is going by this week is crazy and I love him for it. He is the only player that can get the headline “World Peace Elbows Opponent In The Face!” He has the second craziest tweets of any famous athlete out there. (Congrats Jose Canseco!) Don’t get me wrong, I think what he did to James Harden was horrible, cheap and dirty. But I love having him on the Lakers. He protects Kobe and is always the first one to jump in when something is going down on the floor. Has he lost a step? No… He’s lost five steps, but he is still bat-shit crazy and that makes up for those lost steps.

*  I wish I could have been hanging out with Tito Francona when the Red Sox blew that 9-run lead. Like I said last week, this team is very hard to like. I also was sort of hoping he was going to pull a WWE and hit Bobby V with a steel chair and take his job back at the 100 year birthday bash!

This was Tito's face at the game on Saturday.

*  Speaking of…  Fenway’s 100th Birthday Celebration was pretty great! There were 3 players that were missing for me. Wade Boggs, who was always my favorite player as a kid. Roger Clemens, even with all the controversy it would have been awesome to see Roger back at Fenway in a Sox uniform. And of course Manny. So many people hate on Manny, but not this guy. I loved Manny and everything he did for the Sox. Steroids or no steroids, Manny was the best hitter in my lifetime to play for the Red Sox. He was every bit the hitter that Pedro was pitcher. What I mean was that every time Pedro pitched you expected a no hitter. Well every time Manny batted you expected a home run. He was that good!

*  I do love the fact that the Red Sox traded for Marlon Byrd and no one knew about it!  I also love this trade just so we can hear Surfing Bird a million times! I can’t believe you haven’t heard!

*  Getting old sucks! Ten years ago, I would eat a buffalo chicken sandwich and wash it down with some Mountain Dew while being up all night to party. Now if I do either one of these things I will have heartburn and be up all night sick!

*  Every time I go inside a bank the first thing I think about is how I would rob it. Then I deposit the $43 check I was given for doing stand up and leave with a lollipop.

Best free snack out there?

*  Who was the first banker to have the idea to give out free lollipops? That person deserves a raise! I always take one because it makes me feel rewarded for depositing my small amounts of money!

*  My NFL draft predictions? Andrew Luck will go number one. RGIII will go number two. The Patriots will trade down and not take the player I want them to take, yet still go 14-2 proving that they are way smarter than I am.

Do whatever the hell you want - you earned it!

*  Twenty-one is the last good birthday you have. I always enjoyed the birthday you could look forward to doing something. At 16 you could drive, 18 was the slobberknocker you could purchase smokes, smut and vote! Then at 21 you get booze and it’s like congrats to you because every birthday from here on out means nothing. Which leads me to this… every five years you should get the power to do something new. You’re 50 and have been driving a vehicle for 34 years now. Drive as fast as you want, when and where you want! You’re 30??? Well you can wear shorts to work when it is really hot outside! I mean only a complete moron wears pants when it’s 80 degrees outside! And if you make it to 100 years old, you can do anything you want! Literally! Everything is free to you because you probably won’t remember to pay for anything anyways! But you have earned it. Age rewards! Let’s make this a thing!

*  Eliza Dushku is still my girl, but Jennifer Connelly is a close second!

*  Hockey playoffs are the best to watch. Every game is exciting as hell and the sudden-death overtime games are super intense! I rank sports playoffs like this… NFL, NHL, NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, MLB, NBA, The Masters, Women’s NCAA Basketball Tournament, WNBA, Bowling, any other sport’s playoff system, college football’s BCS.

*  Little known fact. If you play Words With Friends while on the toilet, it is called Turds With Friends.

*  If I am picking one basketball player to win me one game today, Kobe Bryant is still the best player in the NBA. Five-year plan? I’m taking Kevin Durant with Derrick Rose a close second.

*  There are still Americans that think Obama was not born in America. They get a vote. That scares me!

*  Where have you gone Brian Austin Green? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you! P.S. the dance move at the :05 second mark is priceless!  You’re welcome!  Double P.S. I would have also said no if Andrea asked me to dance. She was like 45 and still in high school!

*  Oh yeah, he’s married to her!!!!

Hello Megan - Why don't you drop the zero and get with the hero?

About yetivedder

Straight outta Cumberland, R.I. is a crazy mother f'er named Yeti. I will steal your food, drink, and girl all while you are not looking. He might actually do it while you are looking but be very polite while taking all three. He will also do it in that order mainly because he is always hungry, thirsty, and horny! The Yeti will throw the greatest party that you won't remember, because he needs to remain a figment of your imagination. He wants the ladies to think that they may or may not have made love to a giant man last night while feeding him a steak and cheese sandwich! The Yeti is all about getting people to make bad decisions, but yet these bad decisions just feel so right. The Yeti is a diehard sports fan and is never afraid to show his team colors. He also isn't afraid to talk about himself in the third person like the greatest of all time Ricky Henderson! Yeti Likes: Easy women, cheap beer, expensive beer being given out for free, Red Sox baseball KFC and all, Lakers basketball, Metta World Peace, Bruins, Mashmond, Patriots, and bringing Randy Moss back! Easy women, URI basketball, old school WWF wrestling... Yeah I said F!, J's Deli samiches. Sponsor the Yeti page with some free sandwiches!!! More beer, and easy women! Tupac, Biggie, Snoop, Dre, Jay-Z Yeti dislikes: Wine drinkers that think they are better then me, Yeti hunters on TV that have no idea where Yeti's hang out! Hard women... Take that however you'd like... New school WWE, Any rapper with Lil or a direction in their name. Models who refuse to date me, when all I want to do is feed them. Relish of any kind... It is a Yeti kyrptonite.

Got something to say? Say it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Click on a Writer. Read Stuff.

Twitter Updates

Enter your email address to follow Fifth Period Lunch and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Do it... do it now!

%d bloggers like this: