Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

The Few, The Proud, The Rowdy

(By BluCowboy)

There are zero things greater than Marines. As 1st Marine Division Chaplain, Father Kevin Keaney, so eloquently put it, “You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth – and the amusing thing about it is that they are.”  Sometimes to a fault, Marines think they are the baddest mofos around.  As a Marine, your life and your reputation depend almost solely on your ability to kick ass and take names, which is why when drunk, Marines fight like  jungle cats laying claim to the last available woman around. It literally doesn’t matter who you are, if you stumble into the wrong bar in Jacksonville, NC, San Diego, CA, or Okinawa, Japan, you better bring your gloves because shit is about to go down.  With that being said I would like to turn your attention above to one of my new favorite videos on YouTube.  TheWayIsHere turned me on to this a couple days ago and I have been chuckling about it since. Please join me as I provide a play by play on the events that transpire…

0:00-0:55:  Intro.  This is your classic perfect storm scenario. First you have 12 consecutive days on ship in a cramped berthing area with other dudes who think nothing of ripping a tasty one right next to you as you bend over to tie your boots. Day after day, you do nothing but clean your weapons, talk shit and play card games. If you are lucky, someone had the forethought to ask for a care package full of booze (concealed in the form of an Arizona Iced Tea jug of course) before the deployment, but that is just about as unlikely as the dude bothering to share his bounty with anyone. Secondly, these dudes are let go for five hours of liberty in a country where the beer flows like wine.  Side Note:  Don’t even think of asking for a Foster’s in Australia, you just get laughed at. The preferred beer over there is Victoria Bitter, and it blows any Miller Brewing Co. or Anhueser-Busch beer out of the water.  And finally, they are forced to return to the ship with absolutely no supervision…Gentlemen, touch gloves…

0:56:  This is immediately one of my favorite parts of the video. Over-the-top-drunk-guy-in-low-rise-jeans (OTTDGILRJ) gets the fun started by going after Boxer-Briefs for apparently no reason. Meanwhile, you have one guy reminiscing about the bitches he had dancing on him women he groped before getting kicked out of the bar…

1:24: Shit’s starting to get serious. Apparently the line is crossed when Blackshirt pushes OTTDGILRJ onto the bed. Things quickly escalate and OTTDGILRJ delivers a body slam worthy of an appearance in YetiVedder’s wrasslin’ memories. Blackshirt proceeds to lay a few solid hooks to the jaw of OTTDGILRJ and the games begin…

2:52: Boxer-Briefs is at it again, but this time he cleverly chooses a foe in his weight class. Thanks to the color commentator, we will call these two “Mighty Mouses.” The Mighty Mouses wrestle around for a bit until Wife-Beater wedges Boxer-Briefs in between two lockers and goes Metta World Peace on his ass…

3:35: I’m honestly shocked that it took this long, but 3 1/2 minutes in and we are finally introduced to the first homo-eroticism of the video…also one of my favorite parts…

4:00: Here we are introduced to a man who, throughout the video, seems to be hated by all. We’ll call him “Monday.” From experience, I will assume that Monday does not pull his weight in the platoon. He is the guy that is always finishing last in runs and is too lazy to carry his fair share of the gear, forcing his fellow Marines to pick up his slack. Nothing will turn you into a “Monday” quicker than forcing other guys to pick up your slack. In the events that follow, I am led to believe that Monday wished death on Guido’s (the dude in the white wife-beater) kid or something. Ultimately, this is irrelevant, as deep down, I think Monday was bound to be a victim sooner or later…

4:40: Numerous open hand punches slaps right to Monday’s kisser. This apparently does nothing but make Monday’s blood boil which is a good thing because Guido appears to be the king shit of this platoon. Unfortunately for Monday, everyone hates him and he is quickly overpowered and brought to the ground. This is not the place you want to be. Guido subsequently delivers rib crunching knee strikes as he emphasizes his point about wishing death on someone…

5:30: Monday has had it. For the rest of the video, he is seen screaming about how he had to watch his son die. I can only assume that this was a result of him poking the soft spot on his kid’s dome one too many times…

6:31: Boxer-Briefs is back at it and he has come to even the score with OTTDGILRJ, but alas, over the sound of Monday’s throat burning screams, the melee ends just as quickly as it began.

I tend to believe that the disclaimer at the end of the video is somewhat misleading. There is no way that Monday doesn’t wake up with a swollen face and a broken rib, and Boxer-Briefs will certainly be in a shrink’s office for the rest of his life trying to forget about the digital penetration he was subjected to. No worries though, I’m sure this wasn’t the first, and it certainly won’t be the last, fight these Jarheads get into. There is no better ring to train in than a ship’s berthing area with your brothers, who, when push comes to shove, will have your back… even if they have to nearly choke you to death to keep you alive (5:40).

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This entry was posted on April 25, 2012 by in Random Ish and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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