Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

I Want To Kill You. Seriously.

(By TheWayIsHere)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you watch television quite a bit. For those of you who don’t know me, I enjoy watching and analyzing commercials just as much as I like watching shows. Is it a weird hobby? Sure it is, but I can’t help it. In the past, on other blogs, I’ve made fun of shitty commercials which made for fairly popular posts. I’m not going to do that on 5PL unless you really want me to. However, I just couldn’t let this one slide. It makes me want to murder somebody and/or punch babies.

This commercial has popped up on my TV twice in the past couple of my weeks, and my wife basically has to use a heavy object to knock me out before I could attack the screen. I honestly didn’t know I could hate a person without knowing them as much as I do this asshole. Just looking at his face makes my blood boil, and looking at his outfit makes me cry tears of rage. Instead of continuing to write paragraphs about this douche, I’m simply going to give my reasons to hate him in linear form.

1.  He looks like a prick.

2.  He talks like a prick.

3.  His hair is about three feet high.

4.  He looks like the type of person who would buy your wife or girlfriend a drink while you’re standing right next to her.

5.  He also looks like the type of person who I would punch in the throat for doing that.

6.  He has six hairs under his lip that are trying desperately to create a respectable soul patch – like there is such a thing.

7.  At roughly the :04 second mark, he asks himself how he just made $60 in 60 seconds. Dick.

8.  He has beady little eyes.

9.  At the :15 second mark, I want to kill him more than I’ve ever wanted to kill somebody.

10.  Nope, I lied. At the :22 second mark, I want to kill him the most.

11.  That’s not a nice vest. It didn’t fool me.

12.  I lied again. At the :40 second mark, I want to stab him in his beady little eyes with a coat hanger.

13.  You made $59 in 60 seconds… not $60. God I hate you.

Somebody please find me this fucking asshole.

I will pay you $59… nay, $60 if you bring him to my doorstep!

And please, by all means, feel free to post why you hate this guy in the comments section. I highly encourage it. You don’t want to let that rage within fester.

About TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain - I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

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This entry was posted on April 24, 2012 by in Incoherent Rants, TV and tagged , , , , , .

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