Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Let’s Give Her a Hand!

(By TheWayIsHere)

First off, let me make a statement before I’m accused of being something I’m not: If Jennifer Love Hugetit offered me a handy following a massage, I would immediately accept with a giddy smile and an easy-to-assemble tent. Now that it’s on the table, I can get on with my rant.

Many of you have probably heard of the new show on Lifetime called The Client List. No? None of you watch Lifetime? You’re telling me that we don’t have any psychotic female readers who think every single man on Earth is out to rape them?! I call bullshit!

Anyway, this new show is based on a made-for-TV movie which followed the same basic theme. According to Wikipedia, “The series follows Riley Parks (Jennifer Love Hewitt), who begins working in a day spa in a local town after being left in financial debt after her husband abandons her and their children. She quickly realizes that the spa gives much more than massages, but works with the parlor’s owner in order to keep food on the table. While helping to run the business, she struggles to discreetly balance two lives – a single mother who must provide for her family and a strong businesswoman working in a unique and frowned-upon business.”

For all of you laymen out there, JLH gives happy endings to rich men in order to feed herself and her kids. Basically, she became a prostitute because her husband left her. Classy.

Now, maybe I’m biased because I’m married to a massage therapist, but this whole premise seems totally fucked up and gives real massage therapists a bad name.

Way to go Lifetime – first you generalize every man as a rapist, then you go ahead and promote massage therapists as sluts. Awesome network.

I may be shooting in the dark here, but I’m pretty damn sure there’s a court system in this country that relishes the chance to go after deadbeat fathers who abandon their families.

Or, hey, here’s a crazy thought! Since the cast listing reveals that the main character has a brother-in-law, a mother and a best friend from high school, it seems like one of them could watch JLH’s kids while she works a legit job or, gasp, goes back to school to earn a degree.

If every woman who had kids and a deadbeat husband became a prostitute, as Lifetime suggests, we’d have hookers running rampant through the streets of the cities and the suburbs. Does Lifetime really think this is an “empowering” role?

Fuck Lifetime and fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt for making a specatacle out of the hard work my wife does for a living.

About TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain - I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

3 comments on “Let’s Give Her a Hand!

  1. mommyhatesme
    April 19, 2012

    Ill gladly fuck JLH as you suggest in your sign off.

  2. yetivedder
    April 19, 2012

    All I ever wanted as a kid was a show about JLH giving hand jobs and it has finally happened! Don’t ruin this for me!!! I know what she did this Spring… Hand jobs… Party of Five? Just another name for her hand jobs… The Ghost Whisperer??? When she goes lefty! Ha!

  3. John Zill
    July 23, 2012

    Ghost Whisperer is one of the best tv series that i have watched. On a side note, Jennifer Love Hewitt is also very beautiful. **;’`

    Till next time
    http://www.foodsupplementdigest.com“>

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This entry was posted on April 19, 2012 by in Incoherent Rants, TV and tagged , , , , , , .

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