Fifth Period Lunch

Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012

Cheaters Never Prosper… Except Me. I Prospered.

(By TheWayIsHere)

It’s true what they say. Kids these days are just plain lazy.

I’m not talking about that fat fuck of a 10-year old who spends all day indoors playing video games and eating junk food. I do despise dumpy butts though.

I’m not even talking about kids who would rather have a date with the internet rather than hanging out with friends.

What really chaps my ass is the laziness of today’s children in the classroom.

I can see you now, loyal reader: settling into your computer chair with a cup of hot tea, nodding with approval in anticipation of the upcoming rant I’m about to roll off regarding the piss-poor education system of America. Unfortunately for you, that’s not what this is.

Kids these days are so damn lazy, they rely solely on their smartphones to cheat their way through high school. Everybody cheats in high school – deal with it. Nothing you learn in high school can be used in the real world, except maybe the lessons received from dealing with despair or someone breaking your heart (yeah, I cheated and stole that idea from Brand New).

You see, back in my day, we actually had to be innovative with our cheating methods. We didn’t have all of these high-tech gadgets to give us every answer to every question in the world. Lazy pricks.

Instead, we had to etch algebraic equations onto pencils using Size 1 font. We had to come up with sophisticated communication methods with classmates in order to know which bubble to fill on those godforsaken Scantron sheets. We had to become experts at timing a quick glance at our cheat sheet while the teacher was busy. Hell, I credit my incredible peripheral vision solely to the days of straining to see the answers of the person sitting next to me.

Just as the immortal Carlos Hathcock would scoff at today’s snipers, I scoff at today’s cheaters. Fuck you and your smartphones.

We blazed the trail for you slackers. We’re the real heroes of the cheating game!

(P.S. – If you don’t know who Carlos Hathcock is, shame on you. Guy might be the baddest motherfucker of all time.)

About TheWayIsHere

I’d like to think there is a lot to say about myself, but there isn’t. I founded Fifth Period Lunch with the intent on using the internet to spread gospel and the word of the Good Book. I thought He had a plan for me. Whoops. No, I’m just yanking your chain - I’m actually an atheist. Straylight Run’s John Nolan described both of our lives perfectly when he sang, “I know much more than I did back then, but the more I learn, the more I can’t understand. And I’ve become content with this life that I lead, where I drink too much and don’t believe in much of anything.” I’m married and creeping ever closer to the big 3-0. Despite that, I still enjoy acting like a child, to which my wife can attest. I enjoy microbrews, pinot noir, the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots and the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. I believe old people should be forced to take a driving test every year and I have a man-crush on more men than I probably should. Now you know.

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This entry was posted on April 13, 2012 by in Incoherent Rants and tagged , , , , , , .

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