Trading carrots for chocolate pudding since 2012
Here shall lie my shoddy attempts at fixing the broken world around us. I’m sure none of these will ever be used as an actual solution because the world does not operate on logic but if one of these quasi-solutions takes off I best be credited and get rich so I can stop writing for this sideshow blog.
I know I’m not alone in logging onto Mark Zuckerberg’s playground to escape work for ten minutes only to realize that 95% of the status updates are useless, uninformative, unfunny, and mainly just serve as clutter between the photos where you’re just hoping to find a friendly nip slip. I’ve always been a proponent of saying nothing if you’re not adding value to the product and therefore almost everyone should either drop some knowledge, make me laugh, or shut the hell up. This is where my proposal comes in…
Posting statuses costs points. Points are earned by being useful, hilarious, or downright crude – whatever it takes to get a jury of your peers to press that thumbs-up button. One ‘like’ is worth one point, one status update costs a point. You want to post some picture of your drunk monkey ass, that’ll be 2 points; a link showing your support of man-breast augmentation 3 points; a video of your cat eating peanut butter that’ll be 10 points. Basically, the more potential time I have to risk to get some reward the more points it’s going to cost you.
Each status is also a risk because we’re finally getting that all powerful DISLIKE button. You don’t like what Bob the Retard has to say, click that thumbs down and he loses a point. He’ll think twice before posting his typical bullshit now. To prevent the hate parade from running around, it’ll also cost you a point to throw the old negative nancy on someone’s status. I’ll gladly spend a point of my hard earned humor to let you know that you suck. Once you go negative all you can do is comment in the hopes of getting a like and maybe we’ll even kick you a weekly allowance of 2 points.
It’s time for people to start getting funny or shutting the hell up.
Expected reader comment:
Reader: Oh, but MommyHatesMe, I’m just not that funny and now I’ll never be able to make my posts showing off my delectable dinners or letting my family members know that I’ve had a rough day at work and can’t wait for our family trip to Wally World.
Me: Excellent, you’ll never be heard from again. Evolve or die.
Here is my helpful reader guide:
1. I don’t care how busy you are; I’m clearly not and I want to laugh. I have zero desire to be brought down into your depression. I also don’t care when you’re sick. Keep yourself and your diseased statuses away from me.
2. Your kids do not belong on facebook. Not during conception, pre-birth, or post ride out the baby escape hatch. I do not want updates about how often they shit, scream, or cry. They’re not cute… they are little sub-humans. You can be a proud parent, just don’t drag me along to play Uncle Jesse for every kid in America. Also, do your kids the favor of not having their entire youth documented through the age of 18; nobody is going to get laid.
3. I also don’t care how great your boyfriend or girlfriend is or how much you love them. Most people in the world feel shitty rather consistently, you don’t need to pile on. This goes without saying that I don’t need to hear about your relationship problems either when everything with this previously great lover goes south.
4. Don’t post anything about whatever it is you’re watching. It’s either going to ruin the show for me because I haven’t seen it or you’re watching some version of the Housewives, Kardashians, or Jersey Shore and… well nevermind. If you’re watching this garbage you likely can’t form a complete sentence.
5. I laugh A LOT (mainly because I’m demented). It is not hard to accomplish this simple task. Be edgy, smart, creative, crude, vulgar, racist or whatever it is that won’t make me want to virtually strangle you.
No worries – I’ve already given myself -50 points for writing this.